4/4/25

We move tomorrow. I’m overwhelmed. The new house is a mess, needs so much work, and N.ate and I are at odds about money. I want to spend whatever it takes. I want to take out a loan to get it done faster. He wants to be cautious and go slow. I feel like it will take forever if we do it his way. I wish we had infinite dollars so I didn’t have to stress about this. But we don’t.

I stopped taking my meds. Not really on purpose. After we got home from Mexico, my pillbox was empty and I never got around to filling it. It’s been 5 days now without my low dose of Sertraline. I feel myself getting more tearful, more sensitive, more irritable, more self-critical. I feel like Amy would say these are signs that I need to go back on the medication. But I want to hold off. I feel sad, really sad, for the first time in a long time. And I want to feel sad. I want to cry. I want to blame myself and hate myself for a while.

Tonight I was going through some of her things, sorting what we’d keep and what we’d put in the moving sale. I found a beaded bracelet that says “u r loved.” I cried. Where did it come from? Who gave it to her? And did she believe it?